MY FAIR HADES
by GillyRose
Summary: When Hades falls for Persephone, Herc and the gang give him a makeover so he can win his lady love...but maybe the Lord of Death bit off more than he could chew!


**~My Fair Hades~**

The time is........now. The place.......a local park. It's autumn, and two figures are sitting on a park bench taking in the beauty of a quiet fall afternoon. The Child turns to the Babysitter.

"The leaves are really pretty. I like the colors."

"Yeah...."

"They change that way cause_ winter's _coming, right?"

"Uh, yeah... days are shorter and the air is getting colder. All the plants are going to sleep 'til next spring........and you know the reason _why_, right?"

......"Cause the earth is farther from the sun at this time of year and the axes are tilted?"

"Hmmm....yeah....that's _one_ theory..... but do you know the _Real_ reason fall and winter arrive every year??"

The Child giggled. "Oh yes I _DO_....... so _there!! I_ know what you're gonna say.......we learned _all _about myths in school.....Once upon a time,_ long _ago in Ancient Greece there was an evil God of the Underworld called _Hades_ who was riding along in his black chariot. He spied the beautiful young maiden Persephone who was the daughter of the goddesss Demeter, in charge of all plants and growing fell in love with Persephone and swept her away with him and brought her down to his underground kingdom to marry her. And her mom was so upset she caused all the things on earth to stop growing. And Zeus was afraid that mankind would starve.......so he went to Hades and asked him to return Persephone. But she had eaten _half_ a pomagranate down in the Underworld..... and swallowed_ half _of the seeds - so they struck a deal. _Half_ the year -6 months-she stays with Hades down below - the other half she comes back to Earth to visit her mom. And when she's down in the Underworld- it means her mom is sad and jealous, and mourns her daughter by causing all things to wither and die and the weather to get cold and the spring she celebrates by bringing all things back to life 'cause Persephone returns........ Did I get it right???"

"Hmmm.... well.... let me see....your're _partly_ right...if memory serves........Hades _was _the nasty old God of the Underworld....that much was true....and one day {as he was riding around looking for trouble to cause} he _did_ spy the beautiful Persephone as she was out gathering flowers in a lovely summer garden................. and he Was _hopelessly_ smitten....."

But after introducing himself to her in his uniquely ingratiating style ..................

_**"Badda Bing Badda BOOM "Ba------be!!!!".... Hades, Lord of the Dead, at your service............. remember the name- you'll be Screaming it in a few hours....."**_

".............it became obvious he was _not_ her plate of baklava.......and Hades was _not_ used to the word **NO."**

But he _liked_ a challenge- and so he set out to impress his new lady love with uncharacteristic sentiment and consideration .......

He offered her flowers....a _lovely_ new hybrid of Venus Flytrap and poison ivy.......{bites AND scratches}

He offered her candy..........{chocolate-dipped maggots......_"they're grubalicious!!_"}

He offered her rare jewels {at 40% discount!}................

He named a new _disease_ after her {_Persephonitis Agonizia}........_

He_ even_ offered to tattoo his name on her butt!!

....but for some reason she did'nt like **_that _**idea, either.

............. and Persephone would'nt have _Anything_ to do with the lovestruck god.....she was cold and unimpressed and scornful.....and the Lord of Underworld grew increasingly despondant and lonely......it looked like he'd _never _win her heart.

He went to the Messenger of the Gods for advice .

**Hermes**_....."Babe_..." said {a rather surprised}Hermes, "I think you need to chill out, Man........it's not the_ Iron_ Age anymore!! Get _with_ it...women are liberated now.....you gotta treat them with a little respect....you see......know The Rules........get some pointers about being a little......... _sensitive..._Ya can't just bop them on the head and throw them in the back of the chariot anymore."

**Hades**......"Ya _cant???"_

**Hermes**........."No...ya _can't._...I'd get a little therapy if I were you, ASAP.......... if not sooner."

**Hades**......"ya mean.....you want me to get all into that New Age Touchy Feely garbage like how I would like to be treated if _*I*_ were a woman??????"

**Hermes**......."Yeah, right right, that's _exactly_ it....ya gotta learn a new word Babe....**EMPATHY**....and if you have trouble I 'd advise you to find someone who can teach it to ya....quick!!!!Toodles, Babe!!!!

**So Hades thought hard........and { swallowing his not-inconsiderable-pride} he went to the sweetest, nicest, kindest, most gentlemanly, most sensitive...most _empathetic _guy he knew..........and asked him politely if Herc might give him a few pointers on the fine art of etiquette.........**

._"Make me SENSITIVE, ya little *&%#$ putz, or I'll tear you a couple of new belly buttons!!!!_

**So Herc { kind hearted demigod that he was} thought a bit and went back to his friends to enlist their help............**

**{his friends were not immediately won over by the prospect........}**

**Cassandra**...."What were YOU THINKING??!!?"

**Herc**..........He said he'd behave himself for a whole _**year** _if we helped him!!!!

**Cassandra**........You struck a deal with the _Lord of the Dead???_ The God of the Underworld???? Your arch _enemy??_ and sworn foe?? That _mean _guy who keeps trying to _kill_ us all the time!???!!

**Icarus**..........yes ......_that _would be the one..........

**Herc.**...... Look- he's _family!_ how could I turn him down?? He...he......swore a truce.... and he _needs_ our help!!!.

**Cass**......so..... let me get this straight..........we're gonna actually _help_ Hades get someone to fall for him.......so he can get _married_........and settle _down..._. and make a whole bunch of _little_ Hades...YES!!!!!...I **_Love_** this plan!

**Herc**...Has it ever occurred to you that if he found the right woman it might turn him around??? That true love might reform him ??That the caring tender affection of the right person would touch his cold black hard heart and awaken a whole new God of the Underworld????"

**Icarus** {starting to cry}...."That's Beautiful, Herc.......{unlikely}.... but BEAUTIFUL!!" { sobs.....blows nose on Cassandra's sleeve }

**Cass.**........Yeah- and if you believe _that_ I have some Atlantis real estate for you if you're interested....oh _wait_- that would'nt work out either- WOULD IT, HERC???"{ hammers Icarus on top of skull driving him four inches into the ground }

**Herc.**....._Very_ .....fine ....Icarus will help me then. _He's _very good with make overs. He can style Hades hair!

**Cass**........You're making HIM the hairdresser? OK...what's _wrong_ with _that _picture???

**Icarus** ......HEY!!!! you got something to say about my hair?!!????

**Cassandra** .......Ohh NO.._no_....nothing...let's just say I don't think Hades will be particularly impressed with your _tonsorial_ skills....."

**Icarus**................ Who cares about his tonsils?? as long as his _hair _looks good!!!

**And so the hapless trio set up a date for the Hades Makeover.**

**First....Hades got a nice hot sulphur bath**

**........the next step was a facial and hair styling**

**Icarus threw himself into his work with his usual panache.......**

**Icarus.**....."People!!!! People!!! **_Listen up!!!_** Time stands still for no god... we have Work to do!!!! { can we _lose _the grey skin and fangs????????}Please!!!! that look is SO yesterday!!!!!!!!!

**Hades** {to Herc} "Don't you have any _other_ friends???"

**Hercules**...."ah, well-"

**Hades**.....I mean, you _do_ know that this guy's, like, a real drag on the ticket, don't ya???"

**Icarus** ........"Say.......ya know you have _really_ big pores......."

**Hades** ...... "Yeah?? So??.."

**Icarus** ........"No, really...they're _enormous!!!_They are like the _Biggest_, the _grossest_, the most _crater-like _pores I've ever _seen...._....."

**Hades.**....."yeah well, get _over_ it already....."

**Icarus**......"Wow.... with pores like _that _you could really-"

**Hades**....."HEY!! YOU!! _"....Cuckoo-for-Cocoa-Puffs_"...wanna give it a **_REST?!!??"_**

**Icarus**.........."It's just that I've never _seen_ such problem skin. Not since _Medusa, _anyway-"

**Hades**......"Keep it up, Kid, you'll be guest of honor at my next **_Underworld Weenie Roast!!"_**

**Icarus_{grabbing his crotch}_ **"Oh _no_ you don't!!"

**Hades_{whirling a globe of fire on his fingertips}_**_._......ya see _this???? **This**_ is a fireball. With _your_ name on it."

**Icarus** ....."So??"_"_

**Hades**....."You thought flying into the **_Sun_** hurt????"

**Icarus** ..._ahhhh._....**Gotcha.**....._ important_ safety tip.......Avoid ticking off **God of Death**".

**Hades **...._.**"Good**_boy!!...he _Can_ be taught!!"

* * *

**Cass was relutantly bought in as manicurist and stylist,and went to work trimming the Master's claws... **

**Cassandra**......._..Sweet_ Hermes!!!!!!They keep growing_ back!!!!_**_!_**

**Hades **..._.Cool,_ huh????

**And believe it or not Hades actually emerged from the session a new god...well on the outside, at least.**

**Icarus**........ "Say....You clean up _real_ nice, Hades!!!"

**Hades**{ to Herc}......."Are you_ **Sure**_ you don't have any other friends?!!??"

**Herc.**... "Um....OK......ya...well you Do look great. Or at least a _Lot_ better.....Now we have to work on your ...presentation......"

**Cassandra**........... _**"And**_ your breath!!"

**Icarus** ...."**and** Elocution!!..{ clears throat} "Repeat after me ........."The Beets -in -Crete -Wilt- Mainly -in- the- Heat!!!!!!!"

**Hades**........."What ?!!!??"

**Icarus.**...**_."The- Beets- in- Crete- Wilt -Mainly- In- The -Heat!!"_**

**Hades**- _"Get away from Me!!!!!!"_

**Herc** ........_"Icarus!!!_ will you knock it off with the beets??? and Hades -you can't lose your temper like that."

**Hades.**.............. When the _**Hell** _do I lose my temper??!!!!

**Herc **....".and _don't_ swear."

**Hades** "Don't swear??"

**Herc **....."or use bad words"

**Hades**............... "Don't friggin' tell ME I can't say %^$#*&^ you little mother-"

**Herc.**.............. **"temper _Temper!!!!!!!!"_**

**Hades**...Hey!!! nothin personal.....It's just how I get my point across....what you would call my own personal idiom...no offense intended.......hey ..there's gotta be _some_ percs to being the Lord of the Dead!!

**Icarus**...."Yeah Herc,he's a great big super duper major type important kinda ...really.... scary..... _god!!!!_ Give 'im a break!!!!

**Hades**{snarling at Icarus}............**_ Back off,_** Creepshow, I work_ alone."_

**Herc** ..."Hmmm.........all right...that's fine Hades but ya gotta _try_ to keep it under control....let's see...what else can we work on?? ...ooh Right!!!........when you're on a date in the restaurant you _can't_ incinerate the waitress just 'cause she brought you decaf. Oh.....and the kinda "lady fingers" you_ eat_ have whipped _Cream_ in them...not _bones."_

**Hades**..................... "That's what _You _think."

**Herc.**.........and we have to upgrade your casual patter....it's a little....um........._edgy_...........ummm....borderline _offensive,_ if you will......"

**Hades**......."Thankyou. I try."

**Herc**........"No, _no, _what I mean is you have to tone it down a bit if you want to win her over......Cass.... _you_ pretend to be his date."

**Cassandra**..................... "Do I have a choice?? Am I being _punished???"_

**Hades** {hopefully}...."Do you _Want_ to be??"

**Cassandra**......................_"EWWWWWW!!!!!!!"_

**Herc** {to Hades}.....See?!!? _See?!!??_ That's _just_ the kind of thing I'm talking about!!!!.

**Hades**............ "Well, I was just askin'......."

**Herc**..........."OK...let's just start from the beginning. Tell me where you'd take her for a first date. How would you impress her???"What do you like to do on a first date????"

**Hades**......... "hmmm.......Something exciting...but _romantic_. .......like go watch a natural disaster and take the head count??"

**Herc** ......."Ummm...gee...I don't _think_ so........how about a play??...what's _your_ idea of a light fluffy comedy??"

**Hades**..........."Oh _that's_ easy!!! _Silence of the Lambs!!"_

**Herc**........."_Silence of the Lambs _is _your_ idea of a light fluffy comedy!!??!???"

**Hades**_......."_Gets _funnier_ every time I see it!! that and _"Casino."_

**Hercules**......."Oh _Man...._this is'nt going good........ok...ok....forget the play.......how about.....ooo I know!!!! wowing her with poetry??? Do you know any good poems???"

**Cassandra**....."Herc, you gotta be _kidding!!!"_

**Hades**.........."Hmmm...I know limericks!! Everyone loves those!! This KILLS 'em in the Underworld...." {clears throat}

_**"There once was a gassy old Spartan,**_

**_Who just could'nt stop his loud-"_**

**Hercules**..... OK!!! That's _enough!!!_

**Hades**......."No??? How about....

_**"A guy in the temple of Venus, **_

**_Beseeched for a Very large-"_**

**Hercules**............ _"NO!!!"_

**Hades**...... "OK ok.....I gotcha.....try this on for size-

_**"Never laugh at Sarcophaghi**_

**_Or *you* will be the next to die_**

**_They wrap you up in a winding sheet_**

**_And give the grubbies dessert to eat-_**

**{Icarus joins in singing at the top of his lungs and starts skipping about the room}**

_**"The worms go in, The worms go out**_

**_The worms play pinocle on your snout_**

**_So Never laugh at sarcophaghi or YOU--"_**

**Herc**_......**"**_**_STOP IT!!!!!STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!"_**{ scratches his head furiously in frustration} "This is'nt going at all well...... Hades.....what _you_ need is some serious counseling!!"

**Icarus.**..._Wrong,_ Herc!!!! what _he_ needs is a _spin doctor!!!_....and you are in _luck, _Hades_, _because, ahem, _**The Doctor Is IN!!!..**_{hooks thumbs under armpits and starts to strut}.......*I* can give you a _whole_ new image in her eyes...."

**Hades.**..._....._**_ "You_** can???"

**Hercules**......... "Icarus, don't complicate things"

**Hades**......... "No, no, let the little weiner talk.........maybe he's got something there......"

**Icarus** ...."see, we gotta get her attention without looking like you're trying too hard......Maybe we could put a personal ad in the _Greekly World News_....send her a copy and then she could kinda get to know you a little first without actually having to _meet_ you which, ya know, would be a _major _advantage....."

**Hades**....."I take it back. _Where _did I put that fireball??....."

**Hercules**..........."**_Hades!!_** Knock it off!!! He's only trying to help......"

**Hades**.........._"What!!??_ I need the _practice!!!"_

**Icarus**......{affecting Shakespearean mode} _"Oh, like private parts to the gods are we......they play with us for their sport!!!"_

**Cassandra**_........_.EWWWW!!!!!!!!

**Hades**............... hey!! I never _**touched**_ ya, Pal....I just want you to try something new....something _I_ call _........."shutting up and going away-"_

**Icarus**......" Hey!....No_** wait**_....hear me out!!!... Look.........try this on for size........" { Icarus grabs stylus and starts scribbling madly on piece of parchment}

**A GUY TO DIE FOR!!!!!!**

**Lovestruck Underworld Deity seeks gorgeous demi-goddess with which to spend etenity of bliss { or a few thousand hot and heavy weekends}**

**SSPBDM {Single, Straight, Professional, Blue, Divine, Male} seeks fun, sexy adorable daughter of Spring to share good times- and maybe more!!! {smokers preferred}**

*** Incredibly, hilariously charming.........in a cheesy, insincere, phony used- chariot -salesman-kinda-way. {But ya know....he makes it work.}**

***Appeals to robust, adventurous women not terribly picky about their lifespans.**

***Built like a god. Looks *great* for his age. 1200 years old and does'nt look a day over 580.**

*** Has connections like you _would'nt_ believe......**

**Hercules**......."Oh _that's _just ridiculous!! Knock it off already, Ick!!! THAT'S not gonna sweep her off her feet!!!Sweet Hermes!!!talk about damning with faint praise!!!!Hades has just got to be himself and meet her _face to face_**.......**.look.....{turns to Hades}let's work on a good opening see her there looking all lovely and you go up to her and ........what do you say?? "

**Hades .**....."Well, I guess I'd go up to her....grab her in a passionate smooch ...... slip her the tongue....._**"Hey Babe.....once you've had the H-Man you don't go back!! well.....you don't survive, either, but, ya know, hey, what Else is there to Live for, anyway???**_

**Herc.**..."Ummmm....."

**Hades..**......"ok ok how about.....**_.Badda bing badda BOOM Sweet Cheeks- trot it on down to my place tonight and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling til Saturnalia!! Hot-cha cha!!!"_**

**Herc.**........ "that's....really ..................beautiful.......but uh- maybe you don't wanna come on too strong??"

**Hades -**" how about-_** Hey Babe- what does Yours Truly and the Babylonian Gardens have in common?? Here's a hint......We're both "Really" well hu-"**_

**Herc- **_"*OK!!*_ that's enough of _that-_ we need to approach this with an entirely different attitude........ Icarus! what are you _doing??"_

**Ick-** "I'm writing these down- this is _good_ stuff!!"

**Hades-**" See??_ he _likes it!!! .....Wait...that's probably a _bad_ sign........hmmmm....... you know I _could_ just ask her what she likes for _breakfast_........Hey!!!!! ever see me toast bread in my hair???"

**Herc **.........." Hades......... she's the daughter of a_ major_ Olympian goddess- you have to be more respectful........... pretend you're picking her up for a date. You park the chariot outside her house and go to the door-she's waiting for you."

**Hades............**"And??"

**Herc .**....."you tell her how _lovely_ she looks-and you open the door to the chariot for her-

**Hades.**...Ha!!!_why_ should I do that when she's gonna be over my shoulder??"

**Herc**............." She's_ not _gonna be over yer shoulder!!! you can't _treat_ women like that!!"

**Icarus**......"He's right- that's for the_ second _date."

**Herc** ..........."Icarus..........you're _Not_ Helping." {Turns to Hades} "And you have to offer her flowers. Nice ones. _Non Poisonous ones_. _Live _ones........and No Worms."

**Hades**......... Live flowers??? How about LIVE flowers **_With _**Worms???

**Herc**..........No!!!... NO WORMS!! get it ?? no worms!!!!!!! this is a NO WORM ZONE!!!!!

**Hades** ......Oy!!I gotta bring _Something!!!! _what else do you suggest???"

**Herc..**....well, yes, of course.....maybe...I don't know.....a nice bottle of wine??

**Hades** ...Wine? **wine???** wine I can _do!!!! _In fact, only the _best_ for _my _main squeeze!!!!

**Hades looks all excited and happy for a moment and disappears suddenly in a flash. Reappears momentarily with a large clay wine vessel in one hand and his other arm around a naked soaking wet and highly irritated Bacchus, who obvious has just been wrenched out of his bath. Hades holds up his wine bottle.**

**Hades**.........Here, **Yer** the expert, tell me whatcha think..... huh??? Was **" One"** a good year??? No, really I think this is great stuff, it's imported all the way from Gaul, ya know....in fact, you might say they used CONQUERED grapes!!!! get it??? get it???conquered???** _concord???_** Ah, neva mind!!!

**The God of Wine and Parties shoots Hades an infuriated look and whooshes off back to Olympus in a huff.**

**Hades** {shrugging to Herc} "Ya know......... for a Party God he's_ not_ that much fun???"

**Herc.**...Hades, uh....that's nice wine, that's Ok, but.........

**Hades **......BUT??!!???

**Cassandra**........ But _don't_ forget- you'll have to win over_ Demeter, _too..... it's _her _daughter you'll be taking to the Underworld. How are you going to bring _that _up??

**Hades**....._Easy!!_ Hey- Demeter......_ Babe_......I have the _Major_ hots for your only child. How about a _Great Big Fat Greek Wedding_ , huh?? {we already gotta Great Big Fat Greek _Goddess!!!!_} HA!??? _Ha???_?_{ smacks an imaginary Demeter hard on the backside}_

**Herc**..................Ummmmmmm.......... you really don't have a _clue,_ do you????

**Hades.**.........What??? No good?? you think she'll be_............... offended???_you're saying that will get things off to a bad start??

**Icarus**............. Slash and _Burn,_ Baby!!!!Slash And _Burn!!!!_

**Herc sighs and rolls his eyes**...."OK..let's _start _at the beginning........".

* * *

**OK.....so it _was'nt_ easy....but to make a _long_ story short........Herc managed to tame the terrible Tartarian. After all...it was'nt that Hades was'nt without his own peculiar charm- and he _was_ a pretty quick study. He was witty, funny, energetic and well..._sorta _fun to be with....{sorta}...in a twisted-cry-for-help kinda way........Within a few weeks obnoxious arrogant chauvanistic Hades had morphed into a _slightly_ less obnoxious not _quite_ as arrogant not _completely _chauvanistic guy. Even Cassandra was impressed.**

**Pain and Panic were involuntarily morphed into a pair of splendid white stallions..._._**

**..................and Hade's gruesome chariot was revamped into a lovely gold and white model sedan and off he went in quest of his love......**

**Hades**......."Wish me luck, Boys!!, and _Thanks_ for everything- I'm gonna find me one Demi-Goddess of Spring and _rock_ her UnderWorld!!!!"

**Icarus.**......."Shine on, you _crazy_ diamond!!!"

**Hercules.**........"You're a _total_ _playa_!!! **Go** for it!!! And don't forget to _write!!!"_

**...........And when Hades _did_ confront Persephone, well...it was a whole different epic... she was _bowled_ over!! Hades was masterful but well behaved, a bit overwhelming but witty......generous and charming ...he remembered to be polite and his witty oneliners and hilarious sense of humour went a_ long_ way in stealing her heart. Demeter gave her blessing to their union, and Hades married his little Sephy-Wephy-Kins in a _beautiful_ ceremony...........**

* * *

**Hercules**........well that's _that!!!_ now we should have no trouble with Hades for a Whole year!!!!!!!!!

* * *

**  
"But all was not as it seemed to be...and after a short time of honeymoon bliss Hades noticed his little Sephy-Wephy-Kins was not what she was cracked up to be........**

**It turned out she was an _awful_ messy little goddess and even the minions could'nt keep up with her slovenly teenage habits. She liked to lie around the Underworld all day watching Tartarus Vision and eating junk food.......she started gaining a _ton _of weight and she spent money like olive oil. She had very obnoxious slumber parties with Pandora and Echoe ....****...................**

******......and she redecorated the Underworld in all her own ideas......including wallpaper,curtains, furniture and appliances all done up in HELLO KITTY.**"

**Hades..**.._**...........**_**just**_** Look **_**at this place....._.look _at these bills!!! .....and what the _F***_ is _Hello Kitty!!!!?...._**

**  
See....it turned out that Sephy was not particularly bright and she and Hades _really_ nothing to say to each other........plus the strain of acting like someone he really was'nt was starting to drive the Underworld boss _batty......_...**

**Hades**......You know.....It's _amazing_ how little I have in common with a 16 year old girl?....

Icarus...."Welcome to _"My"_ world......"

**So Hades went back to Demeter and _begged _her to annull the marriage.... **

**Hades**........ Look, Babe, I've had second thoughts about this whole set up.....and I believe I'd like to opt out of the deal....**_Take Her Back, PLEASE!!!!!!!"_**

**Demeter**......"Oh no you _don't, _Hades, a _deal's_ a deal!!!!! _You_ took her.......YOU keep her!!!! I'm having _fun!!! _...arya_ kidding _me?? Open your eyes!!!. I've lost _460 pounds!!!_...I play tennis every day now.........I'm dating Silenus and having the _Time_ of my life!!! oh no Hades, she's **_Your_** headache now!!!!!! "

* * *

**In desparation Hades turned to his brother Zeus, and explained the whole mess.**

* * *

**Hades**....."Ya gotta_ help _me Bro....I'm not happy in my work!!!"

**Zeus ****{stroking his beard }** "Wait a minute.....Let me get this straight. You fell in love, went to a _tremendous_ amount of trouble to land this girl, got married and after _6 lousy weeks _you want to ditch the whole_ idea???_

**Hades.**............ "That's why _pencils_ have_ erasers,_ Pal."

**Zeus.**.... "yes....... but it's......just...... not... a very _classy_ thing to _do._....."

**Hades**{snorting}....Oh, look whose talking**_ Class??!!! _**The god with the revolving bedroom door??? The god who turned himself into an eagle to swoop down and carry off a 12 year old boy???!!!"The god who invented the _Swan Dive??? _

**Zeus** .....**Ok ok!!......**..I get your _point!!!_.I get your _**point!!!**_**..**..no need to hammer it home.....Ix-nay on the _"ans-sway"._.........here comes Hercules........."

**Hercules**{swooping down on Pegasus}....."I'm here, Dad!!...you called for me???"

**Zeus..**.........."Hades wants to split from Persephone, Son."

**Herc**....."Uh oh......gee.....But you promised to marry her til _death_ do you part!!!......."

**Hades**........_That's_ the problem!!! we're _**immortal!! **_........should'nt there there automatically a _loop hole_ in there somewhere??!!?? OY!!! _What_ was I _thinking????"_

**Zeus..**........ "Well you _are_ both immortal and _That's_ just the point!! You're not dumping a mere human here- you're dumping the daughter of a _**major Olympian!!** _She's one of the most powerful goddesses in the whole Pantheon....and you Know we _can't_ afford to get Demeter riled up!! She'll start poking holes in the ozone layer again!!"

**Hades ****{violently grabbing Hercules.}"****_You_** got me into this.... you get me OUT!!! I wanna **divorce**!!!!"

**Zeus**...."Divorce???.. That's _another_ thing!!!....... if you** do** divorce her she'll want alimony....and a good chunk of your property.._..._..{and, since we were originally created in California} it means you'll lose your _chiton!!_.......She'll get _Half _of Tartarus!!!"

**Hades.**.....**OY!!!!**

**Hercules**...."OK, ok hold on,.....lemme think.......we learned about this stuff in Pre-Law at school........... Dad?.....let's look at the wedding contract.....is'nt there a Pre-Pomogranate agreement in here somewhere???"

**Zeus.**....."Huh??"

**Hercules****{ to Hades}** ........"I'm asking you ......_Did_ she sign a Pre-Pomogranate agreement when she signed the contract??"

**Hades**..._."Sign _it?? I did'nt think she could _read_ it!!"{sighs....whips out the contract from thin air and tosses it rather rudely at Herc}

**Hercules.**........"No wait, wait, look here ya go...._**"Said first party of the first part, Persephone daughter of Demeter Goddess of the Spring, Seasons and Harvest promises the party of the second part heretofore known as the Husband, one Hades Lord God of the Grecian Underworld is to not eat, drink, suck, nibble, chew, ingest or otherwise consume any part or section of the fruit known as the Pomagranate including but not exclusive to stems, peels, leaves, **_**{Jeeez!!! who_ wrote_ this??? a _Disney _lawyer??!!???}_seeds or pulp in the Underworld throughout the duration of the matrimonial state and failure to do so will result _  
_upon _blah blah blah....hmmm......blah blah blah...._"matrimonial state null and void_....."_Here_ it is!! if she ate a Pomagranate you've gotta chance....."**

**Zeus **stroked his beard......"Hmm ............I see what you mean..you might have something there........{ To Hades} "Has she eaten anything while she was down in the Underworld???"

**Hades** ....."what kind ov a question is THAT???? What **_*Has'nt*_** she eaten???"

**Zeus**.......... Yes, yes of course I know, but _..................has she eaten a pomogranate??"_

**Hades.**................."Well yes................come to think of it she _did_...once.......she had like half of one. Did'nt like it....too three bites and throws it all over the floor. Oy. Whatta slob."

**Hercules** .........."So you think it's safe to say she ate let's say..._half _the seeds....??"

**Hades.**.........."yeah....OK...so??"

**Hercules****{triumphantly}** .........That's works out _perfectly_ then!!!........ did you know there are _exactly 365 _seeds in a pomogranate?!!!!?"

**Hades.**............"Big whup."

**Hercules**......."But don't you _understand!!???** There are 365 seeds in a **_**POMOGRANATE!!"**

**Hades**......"You need a _life,_ ya know that????"

**Hercules**.........."and each seed represents a day of the year.........".

**Hades { to Zeus}..........."**is he _going_ somewhere with this???

**Hercules.**........."That means if she's eaten _Half _the seeds the_ rule_ is she has to stay married to you for _half the year_......the _other_ half she goes home to Mother!!"

**Hades**......._..."Who_ makes this stuff up???"

**Hercules.**.........."It's your standard Pre-Pomogranate clause....and it's saving **_your _**Underworld hide...... Let her stay down with you for 6 months of the year, and on Earth the _other_ 6 months.........that way_ everyones _happy!!"

**Zeus**........"Seems fair to _me_, Hades."

**Hades**......."But I .........but _she....._...Oy!! _all right,_ all right!!!...I guess it will have to do.....well.......Tartarus **_is _**pretty big...when she comes down to visit I can always stay late at the office or be away on an extended business trip or......._**Badda bing!!!**_ How about I invent something new to keep myself occupied when she's down here??!!..........How about........"_**Cold and Flu season!!????" **_How's _that_ sound???

**Hercules.**..."Er.....that's _not_ exactly what I had in mind..."

**Hades.**.......No, no, no, my dear little _genious_ nephew, this works out _**GREAT!!! **_.......YES!!!!!! she can come down all she wants.........I'll be so busy working on back orders ....we won't run into each other for _Weeks _at a time and the Underworld population index will_ Soar_....as long as she's down below, of course. It will level out when she goes back home....and everybody gets a breather ....{HA! til her_ next_ visit!!} Badda _Bing!!_ **Beautiful!!!**..........{turns to Herc} Just _one_ thing.........".

**Hercules.**........... "What's that??"

**Hades.**................** _"DON'T YOU EVER LET ME FALL FOR ANOTHER PRETTY FACE!!!!"_**

**..........and so_ half_ the year Persephone remains down below in her Underground kingdom-and her Mom celebrates by throwing a _big _party and Spring bursts onto the earth........ the world is warm and green and sunny cause Mom's having such a good time and the _other_ half of the Persephone spends above the Earth and Demeter is _so_ busy dealing with her pain-in-the-ass-teen daughter that she has no time to do _anything _and puts the job on hold and stops growing things and _that's_ when it gets cold and rainy and snowy and that's why people get sick a lot..._Hades_ is keeping himself busy. And _that's_ the story of the seasons."**

The Child giggled.

"That's a silly story. I'll bet you made that up.!!!"

"Well..... maybe I did and maybe I _didn't._....at any rate - it's over.... and now it's time to go home. How about some hot chocolate??"

"Can we have hot pomagranate juice instead??"

"Hmmmm.....with seeds??? Sure...why not??

"Ya know what??"

"What???"

"You're the _bestest _babysitter in the world.....how do you _know_ all this stuff, Cassandra???"

"Oh.........I've been _**around!!!**_**....." **


End file.
